The Popularity & Pick-Your-Brain Matrix.
How to get what you need. I'm going to start working on what I need too :)
Good morning and Happy Saturday!! 🌞🌞🌞🌞
This week has been a rollercoaster with some high highs and low lows, but as always, I am innumerably blessed with more things to be stoked about than to be sad about: good weather, spring produce, FRIENDS, the flexibility to meet those friends for lunch or a co-working date, dinner with friends, texting about the new Taylor Swift album with friends.
I’ve published two “SO YOU WANT TO START A BRAND” letters— “product development” did much better than “launch”, but I got way more 1:1 emails and requests from the launch letter I published on Wednesday.
Many people wanted me to send them the pitches and work I did back in 2020, to share my template, to write one or figure it out for them (for free, of course). Alas, unfortunately— this is where I draw the line on my bandwidth!
I’ve been sitting on this letter for quite a while, I worried it was a little too candid. The influx of requests to write out pitches definitely pushed me over the edge! No shade at all to those who asked— closed mouths don’t get fed, you don’t get anything without asking for it.
Buckle up, let’s roll.
Part of my growing desire to start pay-gating the newsletter is that it’s not just writing the newsletter that’s become a demand on my time— it’s the shockingly high volume of inbound requests that come my way now that I’m more visible.
I’ve ridden this roller coaster before (see my amazing artwork above), and I’m well aware that the reasons why people reach out to you seeking your time, unpaid labor, advice, or your yet-to-be-picked-brain are usually vanity based.
People want my opinion when I am popular and when my stock is high. When it was down, my inbox was empty— I’ve written about this before and the loss of founder friends (or founders who I believed to be friends) to whom I held no further value once they no longer perceived me as someone who could be helpful in the founder rat race. I know that feeling— it feels like being snubbed— which is part of why I am so reluctant to tell people no when they ask for my unpaid time and labor.
The problem with this (well, there are several) is that internet popularity has no bearing on actually being smart or capable. Not to fire shots, but its the people in this industry who talk the loudest who are the biggest idiots! People who are hard at work don’t usually have time to toot their horns loudly about all the hard work they’re doing, much less to stop and do your work too.
That last sentence is also why it’s impossible to keep up with the inbound requests once you reach the inflection point and suddenly become desirable to folks— the reason why you’re interesting to them is exactly why you don’t really have time to answer the myriad of requests to meet up for coffee, give out advice to strangers, help people who you don’t know find the right opportunity, offer free consulting to someone with a business model you’re familiar with, help a founder you don’t know sell their company, help another founder you don’t know fundraise…
This is my catnip. I’m TOO attentive to detail— I’m an inbox-zero person who leaves no notification unchecked and genuinely seems to think if involved I can solve other people’s problems (and, if I’m being honest about my grotesque ego: better than they can).
When I don’t know how to answer these email requests, they slowly suck the life out of me. I suppose the better question is why I don’t know how to answer them, despite the fact that in my gut I always do know the answer: no, I’m sorry, I don’t have capacity to help you right now. I just don’t want to say it. The people pleaser, Type-A, alpha female, Big Caretaker in Chief, always-wanting-to-be-liked voice inside my head is completely resistant to the idea that I could set a boundary and say no when the far more generous or like-able thing to do would be to say yes, to overextend myself in yet another direction. Then there’s the voice inside me that my friends and therapist have been encouraging for years: hey, I’m barely keeping afloat right now! I can’t do free work for you, I don’t know you and I’ve got too much free work to do for myself.
I deal with this on a microscopic level, but my friend Kim is a far more visible and famous founder than I, and she gets a truly staggering volume of similar requests.
wrote about this boundary and the volume of requests she gets— and how putting a paywall up has helped focus those inquiries away from general networking and towards where she can actually add value— too. Kim gave me a sample of the language she uses, something like: I've got too much on my plate at the moment to take on unpaid consulting or coaching. I appreciate the interest! Kim’s sister and co-founder Vanessa cleverly hosts Zoom office hours where folks can pop in and work through their questions or requests for her live during a blocked off window of time each week. (This struck me as very generous of Vanessa.) Melanie, linked above, wrote that she uses Intro, which facilitates paid consulting.I struggle with that template I mentioned and delivering it without too many exclamation points and “sorry”s, despite being a pretty direct and, at times, cutting communicator. I think it’s because the outreach mostly comes from women, and they’re almost always earnestly asking for help, and are rarely in a position to book time through a service like Intro, which filters out folks who don’t already have a certain amount of disposable— or reimbursable— cash. Talking to women who are not yet able to pay for my time is the exact kind of request I want to have capacity to answer, mostly because certain people gave me help when I needed it. I want to pay it forward when I get the chance— the problem now is just how many chances I get. I can’t take them all. (These are good problems, though, I think.)
just published a list of “Personal Policies” that I really liked. They were mostly not-too-personal or deep, like “Trust my gut”, “If it doesn’t feel authentic to me, don’t do it”, and “Keep my feet warm at home (slippers or house shoes on, always).“I thought about mine. I’ve felt particularly overwhelmed and past my limit lately, with an insurmountable list of “to-do’s”… in work and in life. If there were ever time to draw and enforce some boundaries, it’s now! I sort of try in the abstract by journaling when I wake up and go to bed, but a list and an accountability partner (you), can’t hurt…
Here’s my first pass at my “Personal Policies”:
Be realistic and responsible about when I need to say no
Don’t self-flagellate about saying no or passing on an opportunity! More will come
Protect the time I spend making my brain and body feel good (walks, working out, taking time away from my devices to cook or do housework) at all costs
Not everything needs to be done RIGHT NOW even if it feels that way in my body
Be kind, be honest
Get up early when I can— and don’t be mean to myself on the days I need to loaf in bed or sleep a little bit longer
Use music to set the vibe whenever possible
Release control whenever possible
Have regular solo dates to read, see art, explore… in addition to trying to see my friends & boyfriend
Ask for help when overwhelmed— ideally before
Value my time, work and contributions as much as I value others’
So here we are.
I am going to add a paid tier of the newsletter, starting today. Giving the entire internet unfettered access to what is essentially a diary of some of the most intimate, nuanced and painful moments of my life was only possible when it seemed like no one was watching. Now that certain letters have gone mini-viral, I’m realizing that level of access to me, my thoughts, my experiences and the ability to share them out of context is no longer feeling good to me.
I’ll be putting my most intimate thoughts, risky opinions, and personal experiences behind the paywall starting now! This applies to past issues as well. (I’ll be honest— I felt a physical sense of relief as I went back yesterday and pay gated all old issues that I wanted to. My shoulders sank down two inches. I had been on the fence about this decision until then, but the feeling I felt in my body confirmed it is absolutely the right choice for me, regardless of the reception on the other side… and that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?)
I’m hoping this also frees me up to be even more honest, candid and unfiltered with those who are able to stick with me. I am hoping I’ll feel free to spill tea.
I will still write free letters! I can’t guarantee the cadence or frequency of those letters. This has gone from my diary to second job, essentially— so while I appreciate how frustrating it can be to get paywalled from something you read when you may already subscribe to a lot or be at your peak Substack budget, I’m hoping this tweak aligns my incentives a bit and I’m able to reply to all those emails or requests for more detail, etc.
Thank you for supporting and understanding! I’ve been dancing around doing this for a long time, as regular readers know. If you decide to join me/support today, here’s 20% off for a year. 🤍
Now, for those of you who asked for some support on cold emails, pitches and requests, here’s some framework I find helpful if you want to cut the line, get to the top of someone’s inbox, and make your ask— whether you’re a founder wanting to connect with another founder who has the investors you want, a student looking for an internship, a middle manager wanting to make a total career pivot, just looking to meet friends in a new city, or anyone else who wants something that they need to ask for.
Before you reach out, you need to know who you’re writing to and why you’re writing. I get a lot of emails with super unclear asks— the most common is coffee.
I love coffee! But my capacity to meet strangers (even people I know and work with) for coffee is limited since I have a day job and this very fun second job, First Rodeo.
I think we often think of coffee or breakfast meetings as things that might take away from our day at work or how much we can accomplish at our desks that day. I’ve realized that it’s actually the opposite— no matter what, the work’s gotta get done. What’s going to disappear first is the already super limited time I would have spent on myself or my family. It’s the quick workout I was going to squeeze in for my sanity that is the first to go when I borrow time from the work day to meet someone I don’t know for a coffee... so what’s the reason?
Too often I find people get stuck on what the reason is for them. It’s awesome that you want to hang out and get to know each other or that you want advice on your personal essays! But what about the other person whose time you’re requesting? What do they get out of that coffee?
I cringe to make it sound so transactional, but you need to treat asking for people’s time that way. What do they get?
Sometimes there is no good answer to this question! If that’s the case, you know you have to really appeal to someone’s desire to mentor, or connect through a mutual friend who fosters some good will, or offer free samples or something. I would say offering to buy coffee is great but not enough— the kinds of people you want time from are probably not so hard up for free coffee that they can’t go get it themselves.
Lastly, once you know what the ask is and you’ve thought about what it actually could mean to the other person, articulate it as simply, concisely and crisply as possible. You don’t need to pussyfoot around here or hit them with too many pleases or exclamation points. Try something simple like: Can I send you a lab sample of the new product we just formulated for new moms? I’d love your direct feedback since I know you’re super focused on baby-safe body care. Or: As you know, I’m considering transitioning to exec & founder coaching! Do you have any founder friends you think would be open to 2 free 60-minute sessions? If it goes well and there’s mutual fit, I’m hoping they’ll sign up as paid clients or share a testimonial I can use to win future clients.
TLDR:
What do you want?
How can you make that ask relevant or pertinent to the other person you are asking for something from?
Articulate it cleanly, concisely, crisply. Make the ask clear, leave no ambiguity in your expectations or request.
Here are some asks that don’t work, for the reasons I laid out above:
Can I pick your brain?
Can you create a job/role for me?
Can we connect?
Can you help me find a job?
I know some people who don’t do any cold emails. That’s insane to me, I built my career on cold emails. Almost every connection or relationship I have came from cold.
That said, when it comes to a request that hits my inbox, I’m more likely to help someone out if they were intro’d to me by a peer, or if we share some sort of mutual attachment— working with the same freelancer or having been at the same company at different times, etc.
Asking for an intro is sort of the same as making an ask of anyone like I mention above— if you’re asking a friend or acquaintance to make an intro, you have to state your ask clearly and make your motives/goals super clear. Here’s an example: I saw you repost Experiment Beauty’s April Fool’s Day Reel on Instagram! I know the founder Lisa is a good friend of yours— would you be open to introducing us in case she might be looking for a tax accountant? Thank your friends who make introductions for you and update them on how the convo went! I hate introducing two awesome people and never hearing back about how it went or if either of them met their needs or got their question answered.
When it comes to cold outreach, LinkedIn is your best friend. It’s the thrill of Instagram stalking, but better. I’ve been spoiled by LinkedIn Premium for work, but even if you don’t have Premium and it’s public when you view someone’s profile, I think better to use LinkedIn than to not.
For maximum LinkedIn success, I would:
Click “contact info” on someone’s profile. (It’s at the top, by their name!) If their personal email is listed, great— that’s the best way to reach out. I think the “contact info” feature gets underused on LinkedIn.
Only send a message via InMail if you have to! It’s so rare that people are good about responding to those, it’s full of spam and salespeople.
For the best possible cold email/DM outcome, I would:
Short & sweet subject line with a good hook. Data shows that subject lines with question marks and emojis get the highest opens.
Keep it insanely short. Get the “who am I? why am I emailing you?” portion out in one sentence.
Articulate the ask clearly and quickly upfront.
Quantify the value or return on their time.
Absolute NOs!:
Ask to “connect”, “pick your brain” or for a “quick chat” —> straight to LinkedIn or Gmail jail.
Hit them with a “looking forward to learning about XYZ” and put the ball in their court to reply to and/or educate you about something.
Send through your resume if they didn’t ask for it or offer/agree to share it with someone for you… in general, giving the receiving party more work to do is probably going to prevent you from getting their speedy reply, if not their help at all.
Following up more than once. If you’re not hearing back, let it go. Release what is not meant for you!
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but most important things in life and in business are just sales. Here is a not exhaustive list of everything that might seem like something else but actually just ends up being sales:
Snagging an apartment rental in a competitive market like NYC
Nailing that admissions interview so your kid can go to the school you want
Starting a business and telling people about it and why it should exist
Applying and interviewing for jobs
Getting promoted
Applying to college
Coaxing your insurance company to reimburse you promptly after a disaster
Winning Employee of the Month (which is an accolade that should still exist!)
I say this not to demoralize but to remind you that you are already doing sales a lot of the time, and you’ll probably have to do it a lot more, so best to get— and stay— really good at it.
My favorite and the most important qualities I’ve sought out when hiring, promoting or training salespeople in the past are super transferrable to life and work outside of the sales universe. True, some of them you sort of have innately or you don’t. But a big handful are not qualities you’re born with, but qualities you can develop.
For example, successful salespeople:
Are hungry. When you ask them “how bad do you want it?” the answer is “extremely bad.” Their motivation— whether commission or promotion or beating the other salespeople on the team by a landslide or just wanting to be a master at their craft— doesn’t matter as much as how bad they want it.
Prospect. In regular life, this means actively seeking opportunity or the outcomes that you’re trying to achieve, rather than leaving it all to chance or expecting other people to do it for you. In business, this is the sales activity that I live and die by, and for me, it all began with this book.
Are unapologetically themselves. The best salespeople I know are complete weirdos and do nothing to hide or camouflage that from their clients.1 They are the same version of themselves in meetings at work as they are at happy hour after work as they are at home as they are at intramural softball on Sundays. An old boss wisely got me to adopt this as a strategy for life early on, I have been blessed since.
Create opportunity instead of chasing it. There’s this really distinct feeling when you’re trying to chase a deal that won’t close, hunt for an investor when no one is writing your business a check, or get someone to want to be your boyfriend when they seem to be allergic to the idea of texting you back. It’s the natural magnetic force of the universe, a push and pull— the more you grip, the more the things you want evade your grasp. Great salespeople, in life and in business, don’t chase what’s clearly not gelling or happening organically. They’re naturally out creating more opportunity for themselves, focusing on what is instead of retrofitting or reconfiguring what isn’t. Great salespeople play offense instead of defense, lead with abundance instead of scarcity. To them, every moment is opportunity— they’re just as likely to meet a client while chatting someone up in line at the dry cleaners as they are in a work environment. This isn’t to say you can’t follow up! But what’s meant for you doesn’t usually need to be chased down and wrestled into submission…
Don’t let process get in the way of output. It’s good to respect the rules and the feelings of others— but successful salespeople don’t let process or red tape keep them from creating something truly awesome with a client or a partner. Consider that as a real-world strategy too! Just because something has been true until now or you’ve always done something a certain way does not mean you always need to.
I’ve talked a lot today about how I don’t have time or bandwidth to get to all the requests for said time and bandwidth, but please don’t interpret this note as a fuck you or an unwillingness to chat or a too-bigness-for-my-britches. After everything I wrote above, my inbox is still very much open! I literally got coffee with a reader last week— it’s not that I don’t want to or enjoy doing it, I just can’t do it every day!
If anything, this was meant to be a manifesto about how to make your inquiry rise to the top of the stack of anyone’s inbox or DMs so it has a higher chance of being of value to or doable for both parties. I may not be able to manage doing everything, but I am still always really happy to talk to you.
Comments are my favorite way to chat with y’all since I can manage them easily in the amazing Substack UI.
The First Rodeo Chat is always open on Substack and is rakish and delightful.
Direct email is going to be the slowest way to reach me, but if you have a more private request, email makes sense.
xx
Zoe
Enjoyed this letter— particularly the sections on refining your ask, warm is better but cold is ok, & life is just sales.
“most important things in life and in business are just sales” a vefy true& refreshing thought.
This was such a thorough read, jam packed with excellent advice and highly relatable personal anecdotes!