The Popularity & Pick-Your-Brain Matrix.
How to get what you need. I'm going to start working on what I need too :)
Good morning and Happy Saturday!! 🌞🌞🌞🌞
This week has been a rollercoaster with some high highs and low lows, but as always, I am innumerably blessed with more things to be stoked about than to be sad about: good weather, spring produce, FRIENDS, the flexibility to meet those friends for lunch or a co-working date, dinner with friends, texting about the new Taylor Swift album with friends.
I’ve published two “SO YOU WANT TO START A BRAND” letters— “product development” did much better than “launch”, but I got way more 1:1 emails and requests from the launch letter I published on Wednesday.
Many people wanted me to send them the pitches and work I did back in 2020, to share my template, to write one or figure it out for them (for free, of course). Alas, unfortunately— this is where I draw the line on my bandwidth!
I’ve been sitting on this letter for quite a while, I worried it was a little too candid. The influx of requests to write out pitches definitely pushed me over the edge! No shade at all to those who asked— closed mouths don’t get fed, you don’t get anything without asking for it.
Buckle up, let’s roll.
Part of my growing desire to start pay-gating the newsletter is that it’s not just writing the newsletter that’s become a demand on my time— it’s the shockingly high volume of inbound requests that come my way now that I’m more visible.
I’ve ridden this roller coaster before (see my amazing artwork above), and I’m well aware that the reasons why people reach out to you seeking your time, unpaid labor, advice, or your yet-to-be-picked-brain are usually vanity based.
People want my opinion when I am popular and when my stock is high. When it was down, my inbox was empty— I’ve written about this before and the loss of founder friends (or founders who I believed to be friends) to whom I held no further value once they no longer perceived me as someone who could be helpful in the founder rat race. I know that feeling— it feels like being snubbed— which is part of why I am so reluctant to tell people no when they ask for my unpaid time and labor.
The problem with this (well, there are several) is that internet popularity has no bearing on actually being smart or capable. Not to fire shots, but its the people in this industry who talk the loudest who are the biggest idiots! People who are hard at work don’t usually have time to toot their horns loudly about all the hard work they’re doing, much less to stop and do your work too.
That last sentence is also why it’s impossible to keep up with the inbound requests once you reach the inflection point and suddenly become desirable to folks— the reason why you’re interesting to them is exactly why you don’t really have time to answer the myriad of requests to meet up for coffee, give out advice to strangers, help people who you don’t know find the right opportunity, offer free consulting to someone with a business model you’re familiar with, help a founder you don’t know sell their company, help another founder you don’t know fundraise…
This is my catnip. I’m TOO attentive to detail— I’m an inbox-zero person who leaves no notification unchecked and genuinely seems to think if involved I can solve other people’s problems (and, if I’m being honest about my grotesque ego: better than they can).
When I don’t know how to answer these email requests, they slowly suck the life out of me. I suppose the better question is why I don’t know how to answer them, despite the fact that in my gut I always do know the answer: no, I’m sorry, I don’t have capacity to help you right now. I just don’t want to say it. The people pleaser, Type-A, alpha female, Big Caretaker in Chief, always-wanting-to-be-liked voice inside my head is completely resistant to the idea that I could set a boundary and say no when the far more generous or like-able thing to do would be to say yes, to overextend myself in yet another direction. Then there’s the voice inside me that my friends and therapist have been encouraging for years: hey, I’m barely keeping afloat right now! I can’t do free work for you, I don’t know you and I’ve got too much free work to do for myself.
I deal with this on a microscopic level, but my friend Kim is a far more visible and famous founder than I, and she gets a truly staggering volume of similar requests.
wrote about this boundary and the volume of requests she gets— and how putting a paywall up has helped focus those inquiries away from general networking and towards where she can actually add value— too. Kim gave me a sample of the language she uses, something like: I've got too much on my plate at the moment to take on unpaid consulting or coaching. I appreciate the interest! Kim’s sister and co-founder Vanessa cleverly hosts Zoom office hours where folks can pop in and work through their questions or requests for her live during a blocked off window of time each week. (This struck me as very generous of Vanessa.) Melanie, linked above, wrote that she uses Intro, which facilitates paid consulting.I struggle with that template I mentioned and delivering it without too many exclamation points and “sorry”s, despite being a pretty direct and, at times, cutting communicator. I think it’s because the outreach mostly comes from women, and they’re almost always earnestly asking for help, and are rarely in a position to book time through a service like Intro, which filters out folks who don’t already have a certain amount of disposable— or reimbursable— cash. Talking to women who are not yet able to pay for my time is the exact kind of request I want to have capacity to answer, mostly because certain people gave me help when I needed it. I want to pay it forward when I get the chance— the problem now is just how many chances I get. I can’t take them all. (These are good problems, though, I think.)
just published a list of “Personal Policies” that I really liked. They were mostly not-too-personal or deep, like “Trust my gut”, “If it doesn’t feel authentic to me, don’t do it”, and “Keep my feet warm at home (slippers or house shoes on, always).“
I thought about mine. I’ve felt particularly overwhelmed and past my limit lately, with an insurmountable list of “to-do’s”… in work and in life. If there were ever time to draw and enforce some boundaries, it’s now! I sort of try in the abstract by journaling when I wake up and go to bed, but a list and an accountability partner (you), can’t hurt…
Here’s my first pass at my “Personal Policies”:
Be realistic and responsible about when I need to say no
Don’t self-flagellate about saying no or passing on an opportunity! More will come
Protect the time I spend making my brain and body feel good (walks, working out, taking time away from my devices to cook or do housework) at all costs
Not everything needs to be done RIGHT NOW even if it feels that way in my body
Be kind, be honest
Get up early when I can— and don’t be mean to myself on the days I need to loaf in bed or sleep a little bit longer
Use music to set the vibe whenever possible
Release control whenever possible
Have regular solo dates to read, see art, explore… in addition to trying to see my friends & boyfriend
Ask for help when overwhelmed— ideally before
Value my time, work and contributions as much as I value others’
So here we are.
I am going to add a paid tier of the newsletter, starting today. Giving the entire internet unfettered access to what is essentially a diary of some of the most intimate, nuanced and painful moments of my life was only possible when it seemed like no one was watching. Now that certain letters have gone mini-viral, I’m realizing that level of access to me, my thoughts, my experiences and the ability to share them out of context is no longer feeling good to me.
I’ll be putting my most intimate thoughts, risky opinions, and personal experiences behind the paywall starting now! This applies to past issues as well. (I’ll be honest— I felt a physical sense of relief as I went back yesterday and pay gated all old issues that I wanted to. My shoulders sank down two inches. I had been on the fence about this decision until then, but the feeling I felt in my body confirmed it is absolutely the right choice for me, regardless of the reception on the other side… and that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?)
I’m hoping this also frees me up to be even more honest, candid and unfiltered with those who are able to stick with me. I am hoping I’ll feel free to spill tea.
I will still write free letters! I can’t guarantee the cadence or frequency of those letters. This has gone from my diary to second job, essentially— so while I appreciate how frustrating it can be to get paywalled from something you read when you may already subscribe to a lot or be at your peak Substack budget, I’m hoping this tweak aligns my incentives a bit and I’m able to reply to all those emails or requests for more detail, etc.
Thank you for supporting and understanding! I’ve been dancing around doing this for a long time, as regular readers know. If you decide to join me/support today, here’s 20% off for a year. 🤍
Now, for those of you who asked for some support on cold emails, pitches and requests, here’s some framework I find helpful if you want to cut the line, get to the top of someone’s inbox, and make your ask— whether you’re a founder wanting to connect with another founder who has the investors you want, a student looking for an internship, a middle manager wanting to make a total career pivot, just looking to meet friends in a new city, or anyone else who wants something that they need to ask for.
Before you reach out, you need to know who you’re writing to and why you’re writing. I get a lot of emails with super unclear asks— the most common is coffee.